naughtyLOTRstories
Brought to you by [
Tanzi Took]
Written by Tanya Wonnacott [
Tanzi Took] and Elizabeth Ryder [
Gracie]
Scenes 15 and 16
Continued from
Scenes 13 and 14
Scene 15
Narrator: Later that evening, Arwen and Strider were standing alone on a bridge.
Arwen: Do you remember when we first met?
Strider: Not really I was too god damn stoned.
Arwen: Long years have passed; you did not have the worries you carry now. Do you remember what I told you?
Strider: Something about the munchkins blowing up my car.
Arwen: No not that, I said I would bind myself to you forsaking the immortal life of my people.
Strider: Rrrriiight, oh my god I can smell ice-tea!
Narrator: Arwen takes off her jewel necklace, Evenstar and places it in Strider's hand.
Arwen: I would rather share one life time with you, than face all the ages of this world alone.
Strider: I don't want your cheap piece of tin, bitch! I want ice-tea!
Narrator: Strider throws the jewel in Arwens face and turns to leave.
Arwen: What's happened to us?! You've changed……ever since you met up with that Frodo……ADMIT IT!! ADMIT IT!!! ADMIT IT!!!!
Strider: ARWEN LOOK OVER THERE!!
Arwen: What?!
Narrator: Strider kicks Arwen off the bridge and buggers off to find ice-tea.
Scene 16
Narrator: The next morning wise folk from across the lands, meet for a secret council hosted by Lord Elrond. Apart from Boromir who had the impression it was a ‘secret counselling' session.
Boromir: Ok guys shall I start?!
Narrator: Boromir stands up.
Boromir: (cough) Hello. My name's Boromir. Of Gondor. And….I do believe I have, a problem. But that's why we're all here right?! (Little laugh…..cough) Anyway, I do feel able to deal with it….now. And-
Elrond: Uh, Boromir the invitation said ‘council' not ‘counselling.' Perhaps I should begin?
Narrator: Boromir sat back down.
Elrond: Travellers from distant lands, friends of old, you have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor,
(Legolas' music comes on)
Elrond: You will unite or you will fail, LEGOLAS! SHUT THAT BLOODY MUSIC UP!!
Legolas: Wow, my bad, dude you have issues!
Elrond: I KNOW I HAVE ISSUES! THERES A FUCKING HOBBIT LOOKING AT ME! I HAVE HOBBIT ISSUES!!
Narrator: Strider bursts out laughing.
Strider: ELROND'S ON THE RAG! ELROND'S ON THE RAG! ELROND'S ON THE RAG!!
Boromir: What would a mere ranger know?
Legolas: Dude, he is no mere ranger, that's just his cover coz he's on the run from the cops. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn and heir to the throne of Gondor. YOUR FUCKING KING!
Boromir: Aragorn eh? Can I be one of your ladies in waiting?! Please?!
Narrator: Elrond looks nervously at Frodo over the top of his shades, Gandalf nudges Frodo.
Gandalf: I think he wants you to put the ring on the table.
Narrator: Frodo edges towards the table and places the ring on it.
Elrond dives behind Boromir's chair.
Elrond: AARRGGHH!! Did you see the way he looked at me?!
Boromir: Oh my god love, are you alright? Its ok he's sat back down.
Elrond: Thanks man.
Boromir: That's ok honey anytime, you got my number!
Narrator: Elrond straightens his jacket and puts his shades back in place.
Elrond: Ok, moving on. We have only one choice, the ring must be destroyed. It must be taken deep into the fires of mount doom and cast back into the fiery kazum from whence it came. One of you must do this.
(Legolas' music gets louder)
Narrator: Aragorn kicks the ring off the table and starts dancing on it.
Aragorn: Oh yeah Legolas that's what I'm talking about! (Thinks to himself “If this doesn't turn Frodo on nothing will”)
Narrator: Legolas starts to break dance….suddenl
y Gandalf and Frodo become aware that Sam was tossing off in a nearby bush.
Gandalf: Legolas! Turn that music off!!
(Bush noises)
Gandalf: Sam is that you in there?
Sam:……………………..no!
Narrator: Elrond gasps.
Elrond: They're everywhere! They're in the walls Boromir! THEY'RE IN THE WALLS!!
Boromir: Hey, maybe we should choose some kind of fellowship….a fellowship of the ring….say, that's kinda catchy!
Elrond: Ok, any volunteers?
Narrator: Frodo stands up.
Frodo: I will take the ring to Mordor. Though, I do not know the way.
Narrator: Gandalf approaches Frodo.
Gandalf: I will help you bare this burden Frodo Baggins, as long as it's yours to bear.
Narrator: Aragorn thinks for a moment, “Hmmm, Frodo…alone….with no women?!”
Aragorn: Hell yeah! I'll come; you have my ‘sword'… and my amazing pulling power.
Narrator: Legolas struts over.
Legolas: And you have my charming good looks,………and my bow.
Narrator: Gimli speeds over on his, brand new electric wheel chair sponsored by Kellogg's rice crispies.
Gimli: And you have my axe.
Legolas: Oh don't tell me the cripples coming?!
Narrator: Gimli reverses his brand new electric wheelchair sponsored by Kellogg's rice crispies over Legolas' foot.
Legolas: AW that was gay!
Boromir: And you have my homemade cookies and wonderful cleaning skills.
Narrator: Sam dives out of the bush, Lord Elrond starts to shake uncontrollably.
Sam: Mr Frodo's not going anywhere without me!
Narrator: Merry and Pippin run out from behind a pillar.
Merry: We're coming too!
Narrator: Lord Elrond falls unconscious to the ground.
Aragorn: Well, there he goes again.
The Journey continues....
Scenes 17 18 and 19
Stumble!