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| Without going into too much detail here in regards to my childhood for such would require a more extensive writing, I liked to escape or retreat to a world I created as a safe haven emotionally. In this world were animals, particularly horses, and all the wonderful aspects of nature God created. I spent a good majority of my time with animals and nature and I looked for every book I could get my hands on to learn about all these beautiful things in this world of mine, particularly horses, which also included stories centered around horses. This not only inspired me as an artist, but ultimately developed in me an ability as a writer with a strong appreciation for language, including vocabulary, spelling, and grammar. Beings that my language is English, it is English I so appreciate the power one can gain from learning how to use and/or apply it well. Being an artist, I wanted to try and capture all the beauty I chose to surround myself with and anything ugly, like being called ugly as just one example, I defied with a vengeance, and adamantly persisted with concentrating on the beauty, transforming my vengeance into passion. My very strong love of horses became the mainstream of this beauty, but I also liked to make my art complete, thus often creating an environment they would be in, the scenery aspect. This beauty was around me in my world, but for some reason I never saw myself "in" this world, only nature, the animals, the flowers, etc.. To this day I do not connect beauty directly with myself, only in the world around me, only in my art where I try to reflect this beauty. However, by the same token, I refuse to allow myself to be swallowed by the ugliness, and maybe this is the reason I have always felt like I'm always on the outside looking in, belonging to neither.. a true misfit. But since I loved this world so much, hence tried to capture it, to save it, to preserve it in a sense, which was through my art, I therefore wanted to protect this emulation, which became what I felt to be my one, true connection to this beauty. If I couldn't see myself within it or belonging to it, at least I could retain the feeling of being somewhat connected to it. Should anyone smear it in any way or even try to, I will defend it to the nines. I will not allow it to be tainted or have it connected with anything that is from the ugliness or unsightliness of the world. For one example of such that comes to mind is pornography. When my name is defiled, it is not myself that takes offense, but my creativity, which I presume to be the only beautiful aspect about myself I have in my grasp. In this sense as aforementioned still the main focus, subjects, of my work, especially horses. I even have the tendency to look for the beauty in something, even someone, and even if presented to me without or with little visible beauty. Perhaps, it's that part of me that wants to reject the bad and ugly still and by finding the beauty, I am then able to direct my energy towards the beauty and thus away from any ugliness, but always left with a feeling of being caught in between.. a twilight zone. Because I love animals and nature and I ultimately brought this passion out through my art, as I was exposed to different passions in my life, these also then became influential in my art, as well as my writing, particularly my poetry. If an individual can find or reach the depths of my heart, then that individual can and will instigate creativity and this particular passion will permeate all through my sense of creativity period. This feat however, is almost impossible for one to achieve. There's been too much other pain to simply easily allow someone in. Not only this, but since I see no beauty in myself, I can't imagine why anyone would want to be in the depths of my being and if so, without beauty, I do not feel worthy of their presence anyway. Just to elaborate a tad more on this... If my pathway crosses another's with whom I detect something similar to the feeling of not belonging or fitting in somewhere, anywhere, I tend to gravitate to such a person for I can empathize with, relate to, and therefore understand what it feels like. Along with this sense of feeling of not belonging comes many other emotions that cannot be understood by those that do not walk this road. |
 ~ Artist_To_Artist ~ Digital_Art_Is_Art ~ Key_Inspirational_Elements (here)FOR MORE INTERESTING READING, ALSO SEE: ~ What's An Artist? |
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