Thursday, June 2, 2011:

WIKIS & STUFF:
After five years, The Unofficial Elftown News was finally revived by [Mortified Penguin]. Who is he? Well, basically God incarnate, Mortified Penguin is not only the most handsome, intelligent, and sexually gratifying person in the entire universe, he is also the most humble and down-to-earth. He is the founder and current manager of the insanely popular and successful wiki, Bob's Diner. When he isn't mentally raping the lesser minded people of Elftown, he's falsifying descriptions of himself, perusing through past wiki comments to see who he should hate, and generally being awesome. Mort is, above all else, a kindhearted humanitarian who will beat the hell out of you with his 16-inch penis if you say otherwise.

That Turkey jerk is, like, dead or something, so I'm taking over. I put all the old, worthless news from 2006 in Really Old News. In other, more recent Elftown news, [kians mummy] is up to stuff. [Mystin] did some things and [Sideways] did some other things. Lots of polls are being made by people that don't matter. Contests are happening. Probably. More importantly though, everyone has a balloon in their mood. Why? Hell if I know, but I want one too.

Orange Juice and Apple Juice are currently tied in my poll and Bob's Diner and The Slave Trade are currently tied for most popular wiki on Elftown. Bob's Diner is currently the hottest wiki though, with 11 new fans in the last week, beating the wiki with the second most number of fans in the last week... 1.

GENERAL NEWS:
Obama played some ping pong. Some guy died somewhere. I listened to some emo music. Romney decided to run for president.

"OLDS":
See Really Old News. Saucy puppet shows went the way of the strapless suspenders. They will be missed. Members came and went. [Sagacious Turkey] was unbanned. [nokaredes] doesn't come around anymore. NOT EVEN TO CLEAN OUT HER LOCKER, WHICH I'M PRETTY SURE HAS SOME YOGURT IN IT.

I took over a bunch of wikis, including Anthro Lovers.

RANTS:
I don't have a rant. You shouldn't expect me to be able to rant every single day! I'm only a man! Albeit, an extraordinarily good looking man, with massive muscles and a finely chiseled face that can bench press 700lbs. and beat up your dad. Wait, that sounds weird. It makes it sound like my face can bench 700 and beat your dad. I'm sure it could, but that's not what I was trying to say. At least, I don't think it was. I don't even remember.



Friday, June 3, 2011:

WIKIS & STUFF:
Nothing happened today. That I know of, at least. There are still wiki changes and comments to check, but they look boring, so I'll do it later. Really? Someone edited Craft Exchange? CALOO, CALAY! Yeah, I don't care. [Mystin] made some new diaries I'll probably never get around to reading. Let's see... x-men rp has a change and a comment I need to check, but nobody cares about those jerks anyway. This wiki suddenly has nine new watchers, who, undoubtedly, are all jerkfaces. chess tournament has slowed down, because [All_Most PUNK] decided he would join and then leave after one game. Bob's Diner is beating the slave trade by one fan again. Suck it! Apple juice and orange juice still remain tied in my poll. And the annoying poll on mainstreet still hasn't changed.


GENERAL NEWS:
I downloaded the Princess Bride and got a new copy of the Hobbit. I found a turtle on the side of the road, but he was a total dick, so I let him go. A cloud blocked the sun for like 20 seconds earlier today and then a smaller cloud blocked it for like 12 seconds. They were the only clouds around. Good job, clouds. A third cloud came later and thought about blocking the sun, but it got scared and floated away. Dow went down a bunch. I got raped in a game of hockey. I thought it would be smart to pull my goalie with a minute left in the game. It was not.

"OLDS":
Beethoven, best known for his crazy antics and writing or something, still remains dead. An autopsy has yet to be completed, so foul play should still be considered a possibility.

RANTS:
Seriously, Justice League. What the hell? You kicked Batman out because he was keeping tabs on all you guys? Do you know how many times you people have been possessed, had your bodies taken over, been cloned, or turned evil? A bunch. And then you have the nerve to kick Batman out because he was trying to prepare for the worst? What, he's just supposed to just throw caution to the wind and trust you all, when you've let the world down so many times before? You know the guy is a skeptic. He likes to be prepared, so he's never taken off guard. You're honestly shocked that he would keep tabs on a bunch of non-human, super powerful aliens that hardly anyone knows anything about? Stuck up bitches. And what the hell, Superman, you douche. Bruce was your friend and you voted him out? Prick. You made him a sad Batman.



Sunday, June 5, 2011:

WIKIS & STUFF:
Reading Challenge 2011 has prompted me to buy several books I'll never read. People continue not making news for this wiki, which will undoubtedly lead to its death about a week from now. Nothing has happened at Bob's Diner (probably [~Crimson Angel~]'s fault). [djxmonster] apparently thinks that the crew is doing just fine by themselves, despite that they obviously are not. He also decided to edit this wiki which, usually, would not have been a problem, but, as it turns out, I was editing the wiki at the time and had been for like thirty minutes. Now usually Elftown will be all like, "Yo, son! Somebody's editing right now, bro! Hold up a minute!" but apparently this time Elftown decided to be a dick. It was like, "He's editing, but go ahead and change stuff. Then we'll not tell him about it and he'll try to submit the changes and end up losing THIRTY MINUTES WORTH OF TYPING and it will be hilarious because I am a dick and I do dickish things and other dickery." Point being, I WILL KILL YOUR ALL.

GENERAL NEWS:
Israel did some stuff or something. Alabama decided to start phasing out gas chambers for animals. I don't know whether or not I'm supposed to go to work tomorrow. I suppose I'll find out next time I do or do not receive a paycheck. I had some other stuff here, but I don't remember it, BECAUSE ELFTOWN IS A DICK.

"OLDS":
Nothing old going on today. Maybe something old will happen tomorrow.

RANTS:
ELFTOWN, YOU SUMBITCH.



Monday June, 6th 2011

WIKIS & STUFF:
Today Support our Council reached 10+ supporters and now three submissions into their Support our Council banner contest which ends at the end of the month. [Mystin]'s enough seems to be on a hiatus as the creator takes a break to allow tensions to cool down. Bob's diner continies to operate dispite repeated orders to shut down by the health department, and in a related story the health department is looking to hire more code enforcement officers. Also, the RPG Silver Wind High by owner [Iruvielle] is getting a restart and looking for players.

In other news by more handsome people, [Mortified Penguin]'s youngest brother, [Lazy lion], joined Elftown, making him the fourth member of the clan to poison Elftown's existence (after [Mortified Penguin] and the fat, ugly twins, [playa 101] and [Kakashi101]).

GENERAL NEWS:
People are scrambling (eggs) to get voters to like them as the next presidential election looms in the distance. One candidate has even jumped the sexual-scandal gun and sent some girl a picture of his crotch over twitter. And Dish TV is telling the Joplin tornado victims that if they want to cancel their service (since their houses are now gone) they have to send in the box and remote or face $500+ in fees and fines. Way to go Dish TV. Today is also the first day that someone other then Mortified Penguin wrote an update on here.

OLD:
8-Tracks, Trains, The Statue of Liberty, Aged Cheddar, My Grandparents, Yo-yos, and the Medieval period.

RANTS:
What the hell is up with all the stupid people in the world that act like they are the smart ones! IF YOU DONT HAVE A DAMN RECEIPT THEN YOU CAN'T BRING IT BACK! I DON'T CARE HOW OFTEN YOU COME HERE A DAY BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS NOW YOUR GONNA COME BACK TOMORROW!



Tuesday, June 7th, 2011

WIKIs AND STUFF:
First off, Elftown was down for 3-4 hours this afternoon resulting the the mass ritual suicide of many a bored person. Thankfully it was brought back up with, seemingly, no data loss *Faint cheering*. The wiki enough went from being on hiatus to not being at all and Pauly the Anthro-Dragon is still answering silly questions at Ask Pauly the Anthro-Dragon. There are still many contests going on like The Elftown Limerick Competition were participants create and submit their own litte (Non-dirty) limericks, so no stories about men from Nantuckit.

GENERAL NEWS:
Arizona is still on fire and St. Louis, Missouri had a 4.something earthquake. The naughty president potential/State representative admitted to several more naughty things, but refuses to step down. Also, America's economy is still in the crapper and the president wants to borrow more money despite this. However, no one gives a damn about America anymore.

"OLDS":
Everything that happened yesterday.

RANTS:
Rawr!



Friday, June 10, 2011:

WIKIS & STUFF:
[Mystin] made support our guards, which he seems to believe isn't even remotely similar to support the guards. Maybe he's right? Maybe I don't care. [Imperator] briefly logged on. chess tournament is progressing slowly, because jerks won't hurry up with their games and other jerks won't stop not being logged in. [Mystin] talked about Elftown (or "Rudolphtown") on Youtube, but I lost interest when it became apparent that I didn't care. People continue to disrespect me, most likely because they're jealous of my awesome bald spot. There's a new poll on Mainstreet, but it sucks, I think. I don't remember what it was about.

GENERAL NEWS:
Cameras hidden in showers aren't the best way to pick up chicks and barehanded isn't the best way to pick up fire. There really is no good way to pick up fire. But you can, however, fire up a pickup. That's assuming the transmission isn't shot and/or you aren't shot for stealing somebody's truck. I sprayed some kid in the face with a hose earlier. He had it coming though. Stocks went way up, but in a sharp downward direction. A storm started, but wimped out after a few minutes.

"OLDS":
Seriously. What is this section even supposed to be about?!

RANTS:
People claim that death is necessary, because it makes you appreciate life. I don't think that's true. Only being alive allows you to appreciate life. Death allows you decomposition and your beneficiaries decompensation. How can you appreciate life, when you're so busy being dead and stuff? Besides, the elves don't need death to appreciate life. They just need magic, friendship, and LSD.

MEMBER OF THE DAY:
[Mortified Penguin].

DAY OF THE DAY:
Tuesday. It's really an underrated day.



Monday, June 13, 2011:

WIKIS & STUFF:
Today, The Unofficial Elftown News was updated. At Bob's Diner, [Lord Josmar]'s family was destroyed in a violent explosion. [kians mummy] invited people to bored???, but people didn't take too kindly to it, because apparently, being invited to a wiki once every week or so is some kind of horrible inconvenience. mybrute.com got revamped, but not rewerewolfed, because they were tired of hair in the drain.

GENERAL NEWS:
Some dude at work is dating a 14-year-old. It's gross. Only because she's fat though. And a hot chick made out with this fat dude! I was like, "What?" and they were like, "What?" and I was all like, "What?!" and they were like, "I know!" then they were totally like, "No way!" but I was like, "I know, right?" and then we had an orgy! I haven't watched TV today, so I'll have to guess at what's going on in the world. Uh, let's see... Obama vowed to block a bill proposed in the Senate today by the Republicans that suggested they block the blocking of bills that block bills about Bill's blocks. When questioned about this, Bill's blocks had nothing to say, so they were treated as hostile and shot. In France, the plants with ants dance in a trance likely caused by bad rhyming and poor timing. Those without ants remained calm.

"OLDS"/RANTS:
I was reading some of my old comments and messages and stuff, right? Well, me from the past was an awesome kid! I am humbled by myself. Others, however, didn't take too kindly to awesome humor and quick wit, often responding with a slew of erotic sounding expletives. A typical conversation back in the day would go as such:

<sub>tigershark: Hey, guys! ^_^

somekindoffox: HI!!!

kawaiianthroperson: XD *chases tigershark around*

tigershark: *giggles and runs*

garfieldthecat: *chases tigershark up a tree*

tigershark: Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?

kawaiianthroperson: Seriously, you need to learn some fucking manners, you piece of shit. I'm reporting you.

somekindoffox: don't let him get to you, guys hes just an ass

guard: Alright, garfieldthecat, you're banned from this wiki for causing trouble. Don't comment again or you'll be banned from Elftown permanently.

tigershark: Thank you so muuuuuch! :D the guards are so awesome! *huggles*</sub>

I never intentionally started a fight or cruelly insulted someone. Everything I did was to make other people laugh. Yet, the guards (see dicks) repeatedly harassed me and banned me over and over again for nothing. Really. Not something, no. Nothing. [Rennie] deleted a picture in my house I had gotten from Elftown Graphics and had me banned for stealing art. I didn't claim the image as my own. It was at the bottom of my house, alone. It was a picture of a hand and said "rock on." I eventually got unbanned (without an apology), only to be banned again for more made up nonsense. I had to put up with a lot of their crap and was eventually banned for several years. When I got back, the guards and council all believed the hearsay spread around by douches like [Rennie], [Kaimee], [Calico Tiger], [Jay Ladlehaus], [windowframe], and other sluts. So, not being one to disappoint, I'll be what you say I am and troll my hardest. I was an awesome kid and you guys ruined me, man.

MEMBER OF THE DAY:
[The Bad Turkey]

DAY OF THE DAY:
Monday, since it's the best day to happen so far today.

DAY OF THE DAY OF THE DAY:
Today's day of the day is particularly excellent. It's single handedly the best day of the day I've made all day!



Wednesday, June 22, 2011:

WIKIS & STUFF:
Today at Bob's Diner, [9jlriexqk,ktpk]'s nipples mysteriously went missing, only to be reported stolen by [Avaz]. No one is surprised. The Elftown Limerick Competition is approaching it's deadline (June 30th), so any entries you have need to be in soon. See Competitions for more official contest deadlines. Over at Now, [kians mummy]'s mom likes to take it in the scrounger, which isn't quite the sort of bum that Sammie meant to say when she posted the disturbing sentence in German, but around here, bad things seem to happen to good sentences quite a bit.

GENERAL NEWS:
I was woken up by some really loud thunder this morning.

"OLDS"/RANTS:
I couldn't think of any old things, so I searched for "old" in wiki keywords and the first page that I noticed is called Dirty Old Bags, which I won't go to, because I see plenty of dirty old bags on the side of the highway around here, and they're all muddy and stuck to sticks and rocks on the ground, barely blowing in the breeze as trucks and cars drive past them. Why would anyone want a wiki about some dirty old bags? Be more creative, people. Geese.

MEMBER OF THE DAY:
[Mystin]

DAY OF THE DAY:
None.

DAY OF THE DAY OF THE DAY:
Still none.



Tuesday, August ninth, 2011:

WIKIS & STUFF:
Lord Josmar's Emporium of Useless Information sits unupdated as he struggles to find the time to update it, especially with it now nominated for featured wiki. Bob's diner was recently plagued by a bad infestation of Mystins of various sizes and names that would bicker with one another before posting an apologetic graphic. [kians mummy] gave the drama a reboot by attacking the guards and their "Favoritism" in the wiki Reports on guards before issuing an apology shortly afterwards. The Catholic Priest just met up with the ex-con and the 11 year old "It" while the Medical Practitioner and the super model have found a tree house to stay the night in at Level Five. Also [Ravenclaw] just finished a new banner for her X-men United game. The suggestions at ERA continue to go unnoticed, same as the ones in the suggestion forums.

GENERAL NEWS:
America lost its AAA credit rating and plunges the world into a festering, pus-ridden, sphincter of financial woe that there seems to be no escape from; Government blames financial institution. With the continued debt crisis it is advised that all Americans start learning to speak Chinese because they will own us soon enough. The Europeans, however, can continue to speak whatever it is they feel like speaking (can't understand half of them anyways, lolz).

"OLDS"/RANTS:
People who can do nothing but talk about themselves bipolarly (Im so awesome *switches immediately too* I suck so hard imma kill myself) piss me off! Rawr!

MEMBER OF THE DAY:
[nobody]

DAY OF THE DAY:
Gatillsday (Created so 20/20 can have another day of news)

DAY OF THE DAY OF THE DAY:
They ordered a recount of the votes so the winner could not be announced at the time of this posting.

WEB COMIC QUOTE OF THE DAY:
"Ya know, if you skip ahead in a book, its like using a cheat code."
-Fanboys



August 11th, 2011_{Or so the liberal media wants you to THINK it is.}

WIKIS & STUFF:
Not a damn thing has happened today! Seriously, look around and you will see that absolutely, positively, nothing has happened in a single wiki across the entirety of Elftown. Nothing, Nadda, Nope, Zip, Zilch, Blank, Zero activity today. Bob's Diner was mentioned on www.youtube.com however.

GENERAL NEWS:
They continue to tell the rest of the Army and its soldiers what to do and where to go.

"OLD" RANTS:
One thing that irritates the crap out of me are these people that feel the need to put a smiley face at the end of every single comment they post! I can understand they can be used skillfully at times but when your in the middle of calling somebody out, the last thing you need is a smiley face at the end of your comment! :)

MEMBER OF THE DAY:
That one person, who made that really cool wiki that everyone liked? Yea, it's them.

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
"By the power of Gray Skull!"
- PC Butterman upon seeing large cache of weapons in a man's shed.