The netpaper about Elftowners, by Elftowners, for Elftowners.
by [hanhepi]
Lost and confused and looking for answers to your problems? Join the club. Want [hanhepi]'s opinion on what you should do? Are you sure?? Well, just leave her a little note on the wiki page " Whoa! You Want My Advice?? " !
Dear Dr. Ruth... um... I mean Han,
Is it normal for a penis to turn purple after only 30 - 40 minutes in a condom? Is it different with circumcised and un-circumcised penises?
If someone's penis did turn purple, should they try a larger condom?
- Inexperienced and Horny
Dear Inexperienced and Horny,
If the guy doesn’t normally turn that color when he has an erection, I would say ‘no, that ain’t good.’ It sounds to me like the condom might be a bit too small, and it is cutting off the circulation. Remove the condom immediately!! Right now! Do not wait another instant! Of course, you wrote that a few weeks ago, so I hope he took it off before now anyway. Lol. If it was a purple condom, then him looking purple through it would be ok. Try a larger sized condom, but make sure it still fits tightly enough around the base of his penis that it wont fall off.
However if his penis normally turns a reddish or purplish color when it is hard, it is perfectly normal and fine. It is just the capillaries opening up and holding blood, and a lot of men experience this. If that is the first time he ever saw it turn purplish though, I’d still say its either restricted circulation or an allergic reaction to the condom. If it continues to happen after you get the larger sized condoms, try getting unlubricated condoms and a good water-based lube. If that doesn’t help, or if the penis stays purple even after it is soft, have him go to the doctor and get it checked as soon as possible.
Mr. Advice person says: I don’t know. The only one I’ve seen is mine. I’ve never seen it turn purple. I don’t know.
Dear Han,
Here's my sob story. I'm in love with a guy. We've been friends for a long time. I wanted to be more than that, and he did too for a while. We played boyfriend and girlfriend for a while, then the revelation dawned on him that he was gay. He cheated on me, and dumped me even after he said he really wanted to make it work. How do you trust men after that? I realize I'll never get him back...but how do I let go?
(this is a real question)
-homophobic hottie
Dear Homophobic Hottie,
That is a tough one. I don’t know what to tell you, other than keep trying. The only way you will ever really learn how to trust other men is by doing it. Start by simply trusting them to be just your friend. Take some time off from dating, and when you feel you are ready, ask your friends to hook you up with guys they trust.
Mr. Advice person: Personally I would start with a 5th of liquor. And in the future, if the man has better fashion sense than you, tells you the shoes don’t match your outfit or that your eye makeup is the wrong color for your skin tone, don’t expect the relationship to go beyond a friendship. :P
Dear Han,
Well, well, well... your advice was so good last time I’m back for more ;)
Here’s the problem: I have been half-seeing this boy for... wow... ages, the only problem is that he is on the other side of the world. He is friends with people I know over there in England and we met through them, and he’s quite lovely and classy and brilliant and wonderful and excellent really, but I just don’t see how a long distance relationship can really work. He has no computer, and barely ever phones or talks to me, and never gets around to posting letters. Yet I am constantly informed by our mutual friends about how caught up in me he is, and that for a guy who used to consider himself a "Player" he has changed an awful lot, since he hasn’t even flirted with another girl for a long time, and while I really do think I love him quite a bit (even though I am obviously capable of living without him, note distance :P) after a long, drawn out, frustrating and quite ridiculous period of time, I’m wondering if its worth being stuck here, by myself, and passing up all other opportunities for a decent relationship. I may just be feeling lonely, or bored (or horny >.>) and this may pass, but right now I just really do not know. Telling him this would half break the poor lads heart, and I recently er... cheated on him... sort of, which he claims not to mind, even though I know that is a liiiiie... I just don’t want to hurt a guy I actually do really like, or hurt him more than I already have. So I don’t know what to do. Help. Please?
~LONELY.
P.s. advice in the form of "Have you tried talking to him about this?" is not needed, I have done that, I need to sort out
myself :P
Dear Lonely,
Wow. That is quite a distance separating you. And combine that with very little communication... wow. I don’t think it is worth you being stuck in that relationship. As young as you are, you should be out having fun, dating a lot of guys. It isn’t fair to him either, he should be out there dating a lot of women. I suggest you two break up, start seeing other people. Make an effort to stay friends, but keep it as friends only, at least until you guys live closer to each other. Then, if you guys decide you could still make a go of it, try it. But don’t do the long distance thing. With him not minding you cheating on him, you might find he will be relieved to break off this long distance relationship too. Especially since he “never gets around to posting letters” and calls so rarely. It almost seems like he is trying to hint at wanting to break up anyway.
Mr Advice: A relationship has to work two ways, other wise its not a relationship. If one or the other of you aren’t making an effort, the communication has broken down, meaning the relationship has broken down.
Dear O’ wisest hanhepi,
What can one do about the sudden influx of ignorant and near-illiterat
e teens here on Elftown?
~frustrated on ET
Dear Frustrated,
Short of shooting them, I don’t think there is anything we can do, other than educating them. I don’t think they will listen to us Elftownians, so what we have to do is elect politicians who will increase the budgets of schools, make sure school boards higher teachers who know how to teach, and pay those teachers enough to actually care wether or not the students learn. Personally, I’m all for shooting them.
*kicking Mr. Advice for laughing at the “O’ wisest hanhepi” part*
Mr Advice (through his giggles): there is only one thing you can do with the ignorant and illiterate, and that is to help them learn. Whether it be how to socialize in groups, how to not make misguided statements in a debate without knowing the facts or what is being debated etc., the key is to remember “you are either part of the solution, or part of the problem.”
P.S. When all else fails, I’ll supply the ammunition. :D “Sometimes you have to use a ball-peen hammer and Morris code to tap it into their little skulls.”
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