//.1401-1500.// 

.Messages //.1401-1500.//.

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Dear God,
1401. God...please let them take it easy on me...I don't need a new addition to my criminal record... -_-;
1402. Lord please let them understand. We are so good together, they don't know how it was when we were alone. I hate that I have to lie to my best friend everyday because she doesn't understand love. I hate that he and I can't be together openly anymore. I hate how things have turned out. Please let us all understand why.
1403. Alright, listen asshole. I don't know what kind of sick fucking game you take this for, but you need to cut this shit out. This is not a game. This is life. It's two confused people that don't have any idea what's going on anymore. Just stop it. Throw us a fucking bone here will you? Either give me reason, or give her clarity. Just help her to be happy, please. With or without me. ~[Faulty Limerence]
1404. Eeee! Can you pleeease help him choose?! I don't want him to be all flirty like, and then claim it means nothing cause of his ex, and he knows i like him. Theres Steve too, but he ent even gone out wit me yet, so theres not much point frettin. But like, I want Ash to like, just be sure whether he likes me int same way I like him.. Please help him be sure of things in life. <3
1405. Why must I mess up like this? I don't want the baby being unhealthy. And people get mad at me because of how anti-social I've become. But when I'm out there in the real world, it's so easy to mess up, and I do. I can't keep smoking ciggs, and I defiantly can't keep smoking pot...I just wish I had more self-control. It is seriously tearing me up inside knowing that I am messing up. This baby is a gift from you, and for once I feel a sense of security with it. So why am I still giving in to the world? Please help me, Lord. Please help me stay strong.
1406. Who'll she be? Pretty? Petite? Brown hair? Redhead? *laughs* Will he be disappointed?, or angry with himself?
1407. I wonder if he remembers what I told him the other night.
1408. Don't let me be right.
1409. Help me.
1410. He's like my own personal wetdream, and I lied to get him to touch me. And I can't wait for him to do it next week.
1410. I'm seriously unhappy. Please give me some clarity.
1411.I hate him more than anything else.
1412. The three of you, and hoping it'll be you and me. At the river, walking down the dirt road hand in hand. Laughing at me as I play in the ocean - I'm so enthusiastic. Smiling. God...
1413. Are boys like girls? Does love really never fade? Or do they just move on like nothing happened? I can't stop loving, but he seems as if he stopped a while ago. I just wish I had more answers.
1414. So, he leads me on for weeks.. and then turns around syaing he doesn't want a relationship and that I know I can't have him.. Player right? But why is he doin thing when he doesn't want people to be turned against him? Is he insecure? Should I talk to him about it or confront him on how he really feels about me.. please help..
1415. Am I just using him...?
1416. How do I talk to you, and even more importantly, how can I hear your answer...?
1417. Look God. Or whatever they call you. You had your chance. I told you what it would take and you completely ignored my offer. My pleas. My questions and my solutions. You've ignored me. You've forsaken your lamb. ~[Faulty Limerence]
1418. They don't seem to realise how hard it is...because God, as much as I hate him...I need him, more than anything else. He's been the oxygene I breath for too long now, I can't just take all that back because deep down, I love him and I know he loves me too. I just wish I could explain it to them. Explain to my parents that he's not a bad kid, just a kid that lacks direction. Times are tough these days and I need all the friends and support I can get.
1419.God, even if it's the last thing I do...I'm going to get out of this shit hole.
1420. I'm sick and tired of everyone thinking they know what's best for me. Maybe I want to be nothing. Maybe I want to be what I'm becoming. I want to be me. So everyone can fuck off. It's not that hard...I miss my friends, I miss my way of life; the drugs, the booze, the fun I used to have. I'm sick of this place, I will get out...and soon.
1421. Why heartache? Why now?
1422. I don't know how I'm gonna do this alone...
1423. I don't know if I like her out of my life....
1424. Give me a chance God, between you and Karma I never get a break. I just need a little time, just a little, enough time to let me have a breather, I mean...with everything that's been going on....I'll owe you for it, that's for sure.
1425. I don't know why I seem to need constant proof, but I love him and I miss him. Please bring us back?
1426.I write here way too much, it's insane. But, I don't have anyone to talk too. Make me not love him! I shouldn't, no normal human would if they were in my shoes. I deserve better, I know I do God. I don't need his lies, his cheating, his old self is what I need...I miss him God...I love him so much, it hurts...and I want the hurt to stop....
1427. Please god, bring Augie home! we all miss him so much:(
1428. I went to bed feeling pretty good. Thank you, God.
1429. Your a real bastard. I hope you know that
1430. Speed was deeeeeeeeeefinately sent from the heavens.
1431. I promise to be stronger :)
1432. I'm so fucked. God help me.
1433.Ahaha. You're funny, now she's crashing and burning and I'm smiling the whole time and I can't wait till she's as dead on the inside as I am. Sucks to be her...but she should have seen it coming. People don't change, he doesn't change. and me...I'm just mean like that.
1434. I felt brilliant last night, and i did this morning. But, why do I feel oh so lonely now.. when I read the txts I feel so warm inside, we haven't know each other long, so I can't be falling for him.. But, why can't she let him go.. it's been 8 months...
1435. Damnit, he's charming.
1436. I love you, and thank you for everything.
1437. My whole world is crumbling. Everything that I built for myself, gone. And I can't seem to stop myself. I'm in love, and it's heart breaking. I love my friends, even though I have none as of late. I'm happy, but that's only because the drugs work. Help me.
1438. You hurt me again today. Stop it.
1439. He only gets the persona, and it's funny how little he knows it, and how much he loves it.
1440. I feel totally disconnected... Like a razor has severed myself from my past... A realization in the sea of old memories... No dirtier, no worse, no one home. I guess that the past was created for purpose. We live, we learn, we are destroyed, and recreated. We project our horrorstories, larger than life on the insides of our skulls, but in the end, we shut them off, we tuck them away, and we continue living because that is what one does with life. So the fine edge is gone, and my emotions are grainy. Six months ago, this may have near destroyed me, I would have wanted it to destroy me so shamed I would have been, but now? How is it any different from what I have been doing? I build, I fortify, I persever, I crumble. I read, I cry, I scream in my head, because I've always lived in my head, and I remember things that can't effect me. That I can't let effect me. And thus, I disconnect from these feelings like I have been all along, to continue living.
1441. Thankyou loads for helping him think about the stuff in his life.. but please help him understand i'm not a psyco who'll kill myself because we split up.. I'm quickly falling for him, and I don't wanna just be friends.. well.. 'friends with benefits' it's not fair.. Surely he understands this is hurting me more?
1442. What am I doing to myself? Slow death is what...and...I don't want to stop. I'm an addict and I sicken myself when I think about it because it really is the only way I feel alive...without it I can literatlly feel my body dieing...I hate it, like I hate you.
1443. Why is he doing it again?? He puts me threw so much hell and I still love him. why do you do this?? go ahead and kill me.
1444. Why can't I have him?
1445. I'm confused, God. I don't want his hands on me ever again but at the same time I need his touch to feel real, to feel alive...and I know it's the only way I'll destroy her the inside out. I'm psyched for that, kill her heart and the rest of her'll die with her....just like me. Wish me good luck :)
1446. Thank you for everything. Please help me stay as strong as I am now, and help me be even stronger when this child comes. I love you.
1447.Fucking Karma. Fucking God.
1448. I can't always tell if my heart breaks for him, or if he's breaking my heart.
1449. I don't know how I feel..
1450. Thank you :$
1451. No.. this can't be happening.. can't be =(
1452. Obsessed with sensation.
1453.Thankyou. finally...thank you so much.
1454. I know this is pointless, because it never happens, but please God...PLEASE make this work this time. PLEASE, I want it to...so badly...I'll give him just one more chance...just one...
1455. Please, i'm gonna terminate it.. Can't you do it now so I don't have to go through all the weird procedures? Please?
1456. I know I tell you I hate you for what you do to me, but say it through anger. I love him so much... is he bored after the three years we've been going out? even in the "fresh start"?
Please, if he is cheating on me, please stop it... or give me a sign so i know..
1457. I watch him and have to bite my lip to keep from asking if he has something to take the edge off my life.
1458. Does he hate me? Or are you influencing him to?
1459. Teach me self confidence, teach me will power, teach me not to feel. There's no more of this wearing my heart on my sleeve, I'm through with caring...but I'm not, I can't help it. Ugh. Teach me how...please, if you don't...I'll get hurt again.
1460. Please, I'm not ready for her to go. I'll do anything, I'm just not ready yet. Give me another week, another month. Give me a year, so I can go with her. Please, I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready yet! Let her stay...
1461. I can honestly say that I'm confused as to whether or not you exist. As a person, who has a Catholic father and a Buddhist mother, it's confusing to me. My religion is warped, and confused. Tell your priests, God, to stop using You as a means to control society. It's not just to rule a society with their blind faith. I ask that, if You're real, You'll stop sitting in Your little stoop in Heaven, and actually start saving people. What have You done? There are those that believe in You heart and soul, and You do nothing for them, except give them a book with "morals" in them, while expecting to believe You. Start saving people, and don't bitch about it when you find people like me. :]]
1462. God help me.
1463. I wish he could remember the things we talk about and what he says...
1464. And all I had to do was speak up.
1465. Let him be alright.
1466.She has no fucking idea what she's talking about. She can't pretend to know me...
1467. I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. I'm gross :/
1468. Maybe if I looked better, acted more...civil, never said the wrong thing...she'd be attracted to me.
1469. Why didn't she leave a comment? Out of all the people that contributed to making that page for me...she was completely absent from it...
1470. Fuck therapy, fuck eating disorders and fuck you.
1471. I wonder what happened to me. I used to be the bad girlfriend, but the girlfriend who would never cheat. When it came down to it, I was tried and true loyal. When things were bad, when things were not... And the thing that bothers me is that I'm not that person anymore. It's not for lack of devotion, really, or that I don't care very deeply for this person, but in my head, I feel like I would ruin that...
1472. Why doesn't he care anymore?
1473. Make her go away!! How long do I have to wait for him God!? It's been a whole year, I'm tired of having my heart broken, I'm tired of crying over him. Just leave me be, God. Just let me have him if only for a little while, please, I'll beg you. I love him, and it's killing me.
1474. It feels like a challenge, and tastes like loss.
1475. He's turned into a miserable bastard..
1476. I'm scared going into this alone. He needs a father. Why is Nic such a heartless jerk? How can he sit there and pretend like nothing is going on?
1477. And the sad truth is that for all my good intentions, I'm just a hormonal teenager.
1478. Thank you so much for my life. i love it.
1479. He doesn't know that I've been cheating on him for almost a year now. He doesn't know that I fake it every time I'm with him, and the only time I come is when I'm alone and not thinking about him. He doesn't know that the only reason I'm still with him is because I pretend to everyone that we're not an item. He doesn't know that I can't stand how he looks, and spend my days hoping to get fucked by that hottie I watch sometimes. He doesn't know that I'm obsessed with rape fantasies, and he'd be disgusted with me if he did. He doesn't know that I feel horrible about it, but love it too much to stop. And he doesn't know that it'll never work out. And he has no idea I feel this way.
So can someone tell me why I'm still with him?
1480.You and I both know my body has gone to shit. I went from huge to stick thin to moderatley big again. For fuck's sake, help me a little!
1481. Say no to me, you stupid fuck!
1482. I give up...
1483. I let him watch me over the webcam, and I took off my clothes for him, and touched myself, and made him come. And I did it because I hate myself so much that I let him use me. And I did it with a smile on my face.
1484. Guilty about eating. Guilty about sleeping. Guilty about not doing well enough on my work. Guilty about not being a good enough friend. Guilty about ignoring people. Guilty about needing to cry all the time. Guilty about not wanting to talk to anyone. Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty.
1485. I don't mean a thing to him. I don't mean a thing to him. I don't mean a thing to him. Maybe if I keep repeating it to myself, it'll sink in better....not loving him so fucking much'd be so much easier.
1486. He shouldn't of had a say, I'm my own...I'm not his...if history repeats itself, he's finished...
1487. I will NOT get sucked in! I will not let him win me over! We both know that if I let myself fall for him all over again he'll just hurt me and I know I know that that'll actually kill me. I'll be empty. I can't have that. Distance is my best friend. For sure. I love him...but that's just between you and me.
1488. Mouse, it's okay. It's time that you finally got some things done for yourself. Do well in school, no matter what they say. Your bird will be back with you sooner than you think if you focus on other things for a bit. You will achieve your goals, of that, I'm confident. As I sit and watch you fall asleep I can think of nothing that I'd like to see more than for you to get the kind of life that you wish you could have. Hang in there, my mouse. I know you can do it.
1489. Please, stop him hurting me.. I can't take it much more.. Please let him tell me straight.. You believe in him, and he believes in You. Help him..
1490. Please let me know why he keeps doing this. He tells me he loves me, and I do believe him, but the silence afterwards is so stifling. I don't know how I can deal with this anymore. I need your help. He needs your help. We need your help Lord. It's so difficult right now, harder than it should be. Please aid his mother through this dificult time for her, and help his family cope with the problems that are thrown their way. They deserve it. I miss him, let him answer when I call.
1491. Okay, I said for him to tell me straight. I didn't want it to the point where I now wanna kill myself. Fuck him and fuck you two. You're both cunts. You're not worth anything! EVER. Just stop trying to invade my life through different means, through Ash, thorugh Path, through Joy. It's not gonna work. It's all lies. You're a fucking lie! And now, I regret having tht abortion. Thanks cunt. - [Don't Fall For This]
1492. I love him, God. I love him so so much, why would you let this happen!? You know it can't! You know that I'm not supposed to let myself fall for that B.S all over again, fuck that. Fix it. Make things better. Be all God like and what not, I want him and I want him to want me and ONLY me...I need him so much...
1493. I wasn't going to call him. I wasn't. Because I thought he'd be sad if I called and then I went to sleep, and he would beg me to stay, and I would go anyway, and then he would feel bad, and I would feel bad. But I just wanted to say hello, tell him about my day, listen to his maybe, and then go to bed happy. But I guess not. Now I feel guilty as hell, and horrible.
1494.No more tears! no more tears should be shed because of that little shit.
1495. Flat on my back on the ground, body shaking and begging for track marks, razor marks, bite marks, anything to take the edge off and make this go away
1495. I can't do this anymore. I can't go on. I want end all this. I can't handle it. I'm done. Please...I need help. I need a break. I need a friend. I need someone to care no matter how bad I fuck up. I know I made my mistakes and I regret everything I've ever done...I miss Steph. I miss Caitlin. I miss me.
1496. Tell me how to help her.
1497. I curled up in a ball in the middle of my floor and screamed and shook and screamed and cried and screamed and screamed and screamed because I wanted so badly to cut but I wouldn't.
1498. Fuck you. Fuck him. Fuck her. I just want to give up so badly. I want him to knock me unconsiouse one day, I don't want to wake up. I want to start a new life somewhere. I want to be someone else. I want Andrew. I'm tired of life. I want it to end. Someone could give me a break soon...anyone at all...
1499. It isn't fair. You're not fair..
1500. My life seems to be falling into place now..well kind of...I have the once in a liftime BEST friend I never thought I'd find, i'm finally moving out...well in a couple weeks i finally got up the guts to quit my job and I finally know what I want to go to college for but I'm stressing really bad God... I don't think I'm gonna be able to do it.........

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.My Messages To God.
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