Page name:
Hedda's Elftown Story [Logged in view]
[RSS]
2008-10-29 06:28:52
# of watchers: 4
|
Fans: 0
| D20: 6 |
Original Story By [Hedda]:
I found my world in another world
¶ -1: It was a night like any other, but it changed my life. Well, to be honest, it wasn't really a normal night. I had just lost my boyfriend and I had felt lonely for a while, but now I had decided to do something with my life. So I clicked around randomly on the Internet...
¶ -2: I found myself dreaming away into made up worlds and untold adventures, so it was not strange that I ended up on a strange site. It wasn't really anything for me, but I looked around at images and the contests a little. Then I happened to click on the Register-button and got chocked!
¶ -3: It was many many things to select from. What was this? And I could select "Big Breasted" for some reason. My mind started to wander again... But surely they look huge if I just use balloons, so is it lying then? So I felt I had to test it.
¶ -4: Then I started to search to find if there is anyone I might know on the site, but everyone seemed to be pretty far away. I send some messages and got some replies, and it was fun, but over with pretty quick. But I had put hundreds of good artists and maybe quite a few cuties too on watch after only some hours.
¶ -5: When I later returned I got more deeply involved in the wiki, which is a set of pages that we can edit together. It was amazing to realize that if I just uploaded a few reference photos and many others did the same, we soon got an extremely impressive collection. And while putting up the photos, I got to know more and more people and they started to feel like friends.
¶ -6: After some year, I realized that I now have friends in almost any part of the world and there are always some people on my MSN that are having breakfast while others are on their way to bed. I started to travel more, but now I do it more cheaply thanks to my friends, and it's so strange to think about that I came here to escape from my world, but now I know more about it and love it more than ever before.
¶ -7: So what happened to the cuties I put on watch then? Well, I'm married to one of them now, but that is another story for another time... Sign up and live your own story!
Original Story By [Hedda] With Edit 'Suggestions':
I Found My World In Another World!
¶ -1: It was a night like any other, but it changed my life. Well, to be honest, it wasn't really a normal night. I had just lost my boyfriend and I had felt lonely for a while, but now I had decided to do something with my life. So I clicked around randomly on the Internet...
(Word Diff: same)
It was a night like any other, but it changed my life. Well, to be honest, it wasn't really a normal night. I had recently lost my boyfriend and I had been feeling lonely for a while, but I had decided to do something with my life. So, I clicked around randomly on the Internet...
¶ -2: I found myself dreaming away into made up worlds and untold adventures, so it was not strange that I ended up on a strange site. It wasn't really anything for me, but I looked around at images and the contests a little. Then I happened to click on the Register-button and got chocked!
(Word Diff: same)
I found myself dreaming away into made up worlds and untold adventures, so it was not unlikely that I ended up on a strange site. It wasn't really anything for me, but I looked around at images and the contests a little. Then I happened to click on the Register-button and got (shocked?)!
¶ -3: It was many many things to select from. What was this? And I could select "Big Breasted" for some reason. My mind started to wander again... But surely they look huge if I just use balloons, so is it lying then? So I felt I had to test it.
(Word Diff: mod = 6 more)
There were so many things of interest to select from, but no mile long contract! Among these, I could choose a fantasy race to describe myself. I thought a halfling maybe, or a dwarf? Other interesting fields beckoned, but my curiosity got the better of me. My new adventure into this new, mysterious place awaited!
¶ -4: Then I started to search to find if there is anyone I might know on the site, but everyone seemed to be pretty far away. I send some messages and got some replies, and it was fun, but over with pretty quick. But I had put hundreds of good artists and maybe quite a few cuties too on watch after only some hours.
(Word Diff: same)
Then I started to search to find if there was anyone I might know on the site, but everyone seemed to be pretty far away. I sent some messages and got some replies. It was fun, although over with pretty quickly, but I had put hundreds of good artists and maybe even quite a few cuties, too, on watch after only some hours.
¶ -5: When I later returned I got more deeply involved in the wiki, which is a set of pages that we can edit together. It was amazing to realize that if I just uploaded a few reference photos and many others did the same, we soon got an extremely impressive collection. And while putting up the photos, I got to know more and more people and they started to feel like friends.
(Word Diff: same)
When I later returned, I got more deeply involved in the wiki, a set of pages that my friends and I can edit together. It was amazing to realize that if I just uploaded a few, reference photos and many others did the same, we soon had an extremely impressive collection. While putting up the photos, I got to know more and more people and they started to feel like friends.
¶ -6: After some year, I realized that I now have friends in almost any part of the world and there are always some people on my MSN that are having breakfast while others are on their way to bed. I started to travel more, but now I do it more cheaply thanks to my friends, and it's so strange to think about that I came here to escape from my world, but now I know more about it and love it more than ever before.
(Word Diff: mod = 2 more
with option in parenthesis plus 9)
After some year now, I realized that I have friends in almost every part of the world and there are always some people on my MSN that are having breakfast, while others are on their way to bed, [(OPTIONAL: to dream about the Elftown experiences (or adventures) of their day)]. I have started to travel more, but now I do it more cheaply, thanks to my friends, and it's so strange to think that when I came here to escape from my world, I would come to know more about it and love it more than ever before.
¶ -7: So what happened to the cuties I put on watch then? Well, I'm married to one of them now, but that is another story for another time... Sign up and live your own story!
(Word Diff: mod = 1 more)
So, what happened to the cuties I put on watch, you ask? Well, I'm married to one of them now, but that is another story for another time... Sign up and live your own story!
Editor's Comments:
Editor: [Artsieladie]
Comment: Since this is for the entrance to Elftown, there's a few more suggestions than would be usually done. This story I found, even though short, imaginative and believable, magnetic for the reader and easy to follow. Love your 'ending' that leads to the idea of a new 'beginning' as well. :)
§ 1 - Numbered the paragraphs for easier reference.
§ 2 - About the title: All words in titles are supposed to be capitalised, with the exceptions of the three articles (adjectives) 'a', 'and', and 'the'.
Since we are requiring proper English in the applications, we should make sure we apply the same as we expect. The exclamation is
only a matter of my personal preference.
§ 3 - ¶ -2: Assuming 'chocked' is a typo = 'shocked'?
§ 4 - ¶ -3: I do think "...but no mile long contract!" would be good to incorporate, because many people do not like the long user and licensing agreements other sites use to join them. The goal is to entice people to join, so pointing out Elftown's pluses would be an attribute for this goal.
§ 5 - ¶ -3: Perhaps the part targeting the selection of 'big-breasted'
, maybe shouldn't be on the entrance to Elftown? (Not that it is a bad thing to be in your story or a bad thing in the choices, but just not as part of what is the first thing that people would see and read about Elftown. We don't really want cyberers here, do we? ^ ^ The last thing you'd want to do is give this impression, even as remote as it may seem. Remember though, this is just my take, so it's not gospel. The idea inserted was just what I came up with at the time of editing to replace the sexual focus surrounding 'big breasted'.)
§ 6 - Here and there I changed a few word usages, eliminated the word 'and' as a sentence beginning, and tried to make sure that the whole story was written in the same 'tense' (past tense).
§ 7 - Feel free to make your own changes or not to my ideas/suggestions. Should you want a second editing afterward, just place it below under the section: "Original Story 'Revisited' By [Hedda]" and I'll be glad to edit that piece as well, but the second edit will only be for typos, grammar, spelling, word usage, and so forth.
§ 7 - Good job! :)
Original Story 'Revisited' By [Hedda]:
Finished Story By [Hedda]:
(Can be a link to the finished piece or the finished piece placed here. It is suggested, if the piece has considerable length, it might be wisest to place it on a separate page. A finished piece would even be deserving of its own separate page.)</center>
<center>
Additional Writing By [Hedda] - Original:
On <URL:index-4.html> in the lower left hand corner, you have under:
This is Elftown
¶ -1: Elftown is the fantasy and science fiction community for artists, writers and hangarounds. It should be easy to find other people here and to discuss whatever you like.
¶ -2: On Elftown you can get help with your drawings, publish your work for friends or everyone and meet friends for life from the entire world. You can put people, forums or interesting pages on watch, so that you don't miss anything that interests you.
Original Writing By [Hedda] With Edit 'Suggestions':
¶ -1: Elftown is the fantasy and science fiction community for artists, writers and hangarounds. It should be easy to find other people here and to discuss whatever you like.
(Word Diff: mod = 5 more)
Elftown is the fantasy and science fiction community for artists, writers, [ roleplayers ], and hangarounds. It's quite easy to find other people here to discuss whatever you like [ and make friends in the process ].
¶ -2: On Elftown you can get help with your drawings, publish your work for friends or everyone and meet friends for life from the entire world. You can put people, forums or interesting pages on watch, so that you don't miss anything that interests you.
(Word Diff: mod = 3 more)
On Elftown help is available for artists and writers. You may show your work to other members, even the world, and meet and make friends for life all around the globe. Interesting people, forums, and pages you can watch, so you don't miss anything that interests you.
Editor's Comments:
Editor: [Artsieladie]
Comment: Nothing additional to: "§ 1 - ¶ -1" and "§ 2 - ¶ -2" that follows...
§ 1 - ¶ -1: Added 'roleplayers' because roleplaying could be a good attraction as well as artists and writers, since there are many roleplayers both inside and outside of Elftown. Added 'and make friends in the process' because this can also appeal to many visitors.
§ 2 - ¶ -2: I suggest 'artists and writers' as opposed to just 'drawings' because 'artists and writers' will entice a broader scope of people. I would refrain from using: "publish your work", because Elftown is a wonderful place to show/display one's work, but Elftown doesn't really have anything to do with the 'actual' publishing of art or writings (that I'm aware of). But this is just my intake.
Related Links:
Editing Assistance - Elftown
EAE - Editors:
[Linderel]
[Dark Side of the Moon]
[Artsieladie]
Writers Rock!
Other Links Of Interest:
I Rock Elftown!
I Believe In Elftown!
I Use Elftown Because
Elftown Rocks!
To view these writing pieces, logout and look at Elftown's Entrance Page:
<URL:index-4.html>
| Show these comments on your site |