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Page name: Bob's Diner [Logged in view] [RSS]
2022-01-26 00:23:33
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<img250*0:stuff/aj/11111/bobsdiner.png>
(Formerly Chuck's)


Abandon all outside food and drinks, ye who enter here.


a limerick, by [Mortified Penguin]
.........Welcome to Bob's Diner,
ain't no place finer!
The food is good,
we're always in tha 'hood,
and [Sagacious Turkey] is a whiner!

<img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/b.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/o.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/b.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/s.gif> <img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/d.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/i.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/n.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/e.gif><img:http://www.wobshite.co.uk/b3ta/letters/ransom/r.gif>


As seen in [iippo]'s diary!
This wiki sponsored in part by the [Sunrose] Does Not Suck committee
and the [pixish] art committee



<img:http://elftown.eu/stuff/aj/44884/1414522632.png>
by [Teufelsweib]
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Menu:
Show content


<img:stuff/aj/11111/bobsdinersml.png>

|Da menyou|


<img150*0:stuff/aj/11111/bobsdinerspecial.png>

'If you are what you eat, then we're easy, fast and cheap!'
 

Don't see sumthin ya like on da menu? Well, add to it!

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Breakfast


1. Shakin' Bacon $1.50
2. Godzilla Eggs $1.20
3. Hash Browns $1.00
4. Hash Greens $1.00
5. Texas toast (this isn't really from texas) $2.00
6. French Toast (This isn't actually from France either) $3.50
7. French Fries (nope, still not from france...) $1.50
8. French Bread (NOT FROM FRANCE!!!) $1.25
9. French Wine (not from France exactly... it might have fallen off a truck,... but i don't know anything *whistles innocently*)
10. Mortified News-Paper-Colored-Breakfast-Sandwich $2.50

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Lunch



1. Bob's special of the day: Sun. grilled cheese, Mon. leg of lamb, Tues. leg of bob, Wed. something we found on the street, Thurs. hamburger, Fri. tacos we stole from Taco Bell, Sat. you don't want to know. $4.19
2. hamburger & fries $4.00
3. uncooked ham (a live pig) $10.24
4. a bowl of fresh lard $3.49
5. Texas toast (this isn't really from Texas) $2.00
6. think of the nastiest thing you've ever seen or smelled... nope, nastier... yup thats it! $5.99
7. raw chicken liver with a dog drool sauce. $7.82
8. La Ham and cheese $2.30
9. Bob's Mama $1 an hour
10. Garfield's mama $0.50 an hour
11. sirloin $6.00
12. Sir. Loin (some British guy) £6.00
13. boiled Chef Zef $0.99
14. 3-legged lamb - whole: $10.00/ each leg: $2.00
15. fried Alley Gator $5.00
16. Plain poodle: $3.00/ Extra crispy poodle: $3.50
17. Poo Stew $2.25
18. Mashed taters and dressed up alligators $5.50
19. Woops, I sneezed... Oh well, might as well put it to good use... "snot sandwich" $1.25
20. Roasted n00b $4.00
21. Bloody Rock $1.50
22. Flattened road kill squirrel $4.75
23. Fresh n00b with blood croutons $4.50
24. [Shaggy13]'s soup $1.12
25. Turkey Jerkey $0.50
26. A Jerkey Turkey $5.00
27. YO MOMMA with a side of fries and a large soda $0.00
28. [Rolo]'s special: Mouse burger and french flies all for just $2.50
29. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s Acid Kisses free to try then 4 easy payments of $19.95 to buy!!!!
30.
31. Micheal Jackson's nose $10.75
32. elf on the cob $5.50/whole elf $9.25
33. [spitfire_35121]'s mole 500,000.00
34. An Orange Chicken ¥300.00
35. Ground beef Carl $3.25
36. The Deep Fried Moose Combo $6.99
37. [sara(:]'s kitty.......$o.ooo9 per hour..
38. viagra pill $300
39. gobbler....?
40. a big fat bowl of ramen ¥800.00
41. hootchie cootchie $2.00
42. Burgers from McDonald's $1.00
43. Make Your Own Road Kill (Brought to you by MatchBox) $ 6.90
44. Deep Fried Squirrel Quesadilla $ 1.50
45. Eel Burger (it's shockingly delicious!) $3.4¾ (WARNING: Eel Burger may kill consumer. We are not responsible. Blame the eels!)

46. Selfish Shellfish Soufflé $4.99 (plus tip!)
47.All the grief, horror, madness,[Lethan] and opium-addled reverie you can shake a Victorian gentleman's walking stick at for a mere $5
48. [Eloura]'s Busted gut still fresh and good, for a nere (and this is a SALE people) $9.99
49. [Duke Devlin]'s Small Bacon Bit Babies. They are a delious bacony treat for any meal. $15,999.99 It's a real steal deal kids!
50. [Araglas]'s Zombie body food, just ask, it's good, and very fresh! Only $5.99!
51. All you can eat: [HardRockAngel]'s little brother: an endless supplie of meat. $12.99

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Appetizers


1. half a cracker $1,000,000
2. Bloody Rock $1.50
3. [sara(:]'s (very little) Brain $2.00
4. [Fallen Child Athena]'s Foamy the Squirrel $5000.00 ((i stole him hahahahahaha))
5. [Mortified Penguin]'s intelligence (not a very big meal...) $0.25
6. Slice of maggot cheese $1.50
7. Cooked Sushi $4.50
8. Tumble Weed $1,000.01
9. [Fallen Child Athena]'s "happy crack".......$1.50((its weed))
10. Bowl of tears $.50
11. Crickets (a bowl full) $0.50
12. "Eye Rolls" $1.50
13. Corn on the toes $1.50
14. cooked sushi $2.00
15. Big, huge, throbbing, hot, juicy... breadsticks! $DAH.LER
16. [Mortified Penguin]'s ashes $Free to try $39.95 to buy
17. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s leg (stays fresh for about a month) hehe jr., i told you!!!1
17. Military Intelligence (not much there) $9,999 {brought in by [Fallen Child Athena])
19. Fresh squeezed hangover from [Evolution X]
20. Ganondorf's Noodly Appendage (note: not big enough to be considered full meal) $4.00
21. Peanuts of Pathos $free with the purchase of a drink (In loving memory of our dear old friend, [Paul Doyle].)
22. Flagon of Dragon Lotion. Not sure what to make of this, frankly. It's not really a drink . . . have this with Peanuts of Pathos, perhaps? Do you have what it takes to consume this? I'm not sure I do.
23. [Mortified Penguin]'s head on a fake cheap silver platter.
24. Blubber nuggets, made with the finest whale blubber in the world! (YUM!) $100.00

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Dinner


1. [Mortified Penguin]'s squeegey $0.10
2. DUSTIN'S MAMA and a condom......we'll pay you...take it,we don't want "it".....
3. Sasmooko's Shoe $1.75
4. A leg $Shoot something, or someone
5. [Fallen Child Athena]'s bunny rabbit..........$1.50
6. The "lame-@$$-mo'-frickin'-gay-infested-puppy-hating-country-o'-france" Special. (May include: French toast, french fries, french bread, french vanilla, french dressing, a lovely french dipping sauce, and a sexy lonely french woman that likes to french kiss) $19.95 if you order in the next ten minutes! ...plus shipping and handling...
7. [Evolution X]'s famous Spaghetti and eyeballs.
8. A Big Freakin' Bowl of Ramen $0 (Free for Mort, everyone else gets charged a mandatory $10 tip for the waiter)
9.Ugly stack of papers with protective cover. Looks to have been dropped into a beef broth by a sad, worn out, uncreative idiot. Yarg. (munches on a news-paper-colored-breakfast-sandwich) $2.00
10.Gammon with Fluff & gravy =] $0
11.Not so fresh puppy €7.00 (Other than brown colored +¥5.28)
12. [Scarekrow]'s Harden the fuck up special (with your choise of fist to the face or foot to the ass)................$25.00
13. Chuck Norris Stew with a side of sucker-punch and piss-in-your-pants. Priceless

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Dessert


1. brownie-a-la-mode $2.00
2. crap-a-la-commode $2.00
3. artichoke pie $1.50
4. "cheese cake" (literally made of cheese) $1.75
5. Iced ice $0.50
6. Glazed rocks $0.75
7. Punkin Pie (full of fresh baked punks...) $2.00
8. Rake Cake (wanna do something special for your hard working rake for it's birthday? get this!) $1.75
9. n00b-a-la-blood $2.00
10. "Cow Pie" $2.00
11. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood $9,999,999,999.50
12. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood, FROSTED, $2
13. "apple sauce" $1
14. [nokaredes]'s old cast $how much you got?
15. [ikkle sid] for the night chocolate sauce included 4 all u randy twats lol ... $1,000,000,000
16. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s liver flavored ice cream $2.50
17. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s chocolate flavored moth-balls $1.75 per box
18. Bert and Ernie's every flavor spleens... er... I mean... beans. $1.00 per box
19.[bluefairy27]'s deadly blow fish surprise.$3.50
20. [Evolution X]'s Eskimo pie (from real eskimos)
21. Pink, fluffy and tasty Watapon (Warning: Not really tasty)
22. Vasturcro, free! (plus $20 in taxes, $35 for the food, which is $65, totaling out to $127)
23. Sweet, cherry, and pied crow pie, $2.33

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Drinks


1. anything we can liquefy in the blender $1.00
2. snot $1.00

(smaller gap)

3. urine $1.00
4. "mystery meat juice" $1.00
5. liquid lard $1.00
6. [Fallen Child Athena]'s special "coffee" $1.95
7. goat milk $1.00
8. watered down tea $1.00
9. Turkey Milk $1.00
10. A Pint of Blood $0.50
11. A Quart of Blood $1.00
12. Goblet Of Blood On The Rocks $2.50
13. Rat Milk $1.00
14. Snow Coco $1.00
15. Hot, steaming cup of Coffee $1.00 (per cup)
16. Liquid ice $2.50 per pound
17. A "booty" shake $6.66
18. From the makers of Granny's Bunyan Creme and Granny's Homegrown Arsenic... we bring you... Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol! Not only does it get you hammered more than a nail, but it also helps heal your internal cuts! (WARNING: Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol will NOT heal your internal cuts. In fact, it may make them worse. We are not responsible for any injuries and/or death. Blame Granny!) $Depends on how "under the influence" you are.
19.something [Lethan] squeezed out of a brick
20. An Epic Fail (Brought in by Veari)
21. Tead down water(purified) $50.00
22. Special Equestrian "Mayonnaise" Smoothie



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Bob's Diner Status Report:

Bob's Diner Status Report

All numbers and stats are approximate and lead to irregularities when double checking, due to faulty math and [Elftron] screwing with wiki comments and information sometimes. Don't blame us. Blame [Hedda].

       

Year
04/05
05/06
06/07
07/08
08/09
09/10
10/11
11/12
12/13
13/14
14/15
15/16
16/17
17/18
18/19
19/20
20/21


Comments
9709
3870
3065
5676
4309
2879
5259
1697
0984
0756
0394
0177
0384
1677
0471
0285
0118


Average
26.6 cpd
10.6 cpd
08.4 cpd
15.5 cpd
11.8 cpd
07.9 cpd
14.4 cpd
04.7 cpd
02.7 cpd
02.1 cpd
01.1 cpd
00.5 cpd
01.1 cpd
04.6 cpd
01.3 cpd
00.8 cpd
00.3 cpd



Total Comments
09709
13579
16644
22320
26666
29545
34804
36501
37484
38240
38634
38839
39223
40900
41371
41656
41774



Total Average
26.6 cpd/9709 cpy
18.6 cpd/6789 cpy
15.2 cpd/5548 cpy
15.3 cpd/5580 cpy
14.6 cpd/5333 cpy
13.5 cpd/4924 cpy
13.6 cpd/4972 cpy
12.5 cpd/4563 cpy
11.4 cpd/4165 cpy
10.5 cpd/3824 cpy
09.6 cpd/3512 cpy
08.9 cpd/3237 cpy
08.3 cpd/3017 cpy
08.0 cpd/2921 cpy
07.6 cpd/2758 cpy
07.1 cpd/2604 cpy
06.7 cpd/2457 cpy


Until The End of the Friscal Year and the Next Status Report


Since The End of the Last Friscal Year


Since B's D's Founding


Friscal Reports:
Show content

   Next Friscal Report:

Total: An unknown, futuristic XXXXX

Future paragraphs.




   Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 39223

Paragraphs.




   Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38839

Paragraphs.




   Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38634

Paragraphs.




   Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38240

Paragraphs.




   Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 37484

Paragraphs.




   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 36501

Paragraphs.




   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A settling, halfsome 34804

As we all know, Bob's Diner has a comment based economy. As comment averages rise, Bob's Diner prospers. When they fall, Bob's Diner slips into a violent depression and has thoughts of suicide. It often cries itself to sleep at night, wondering how it's going to feed its 27 children. So, you can clearly see why the more comments you make, the better off we are and the less I'll hate you.

With that in mind, this year was certainly better than last year, but not nearly as better as the year before the year before last year, which is the best except for the one that was better which was the year before the year before that. Following this trend, we can predict that next year, the year following this year, will be the year that comes after this year. However, as this year is already over, we've already entered into the new year, meaning that this year isn't this year but last year and next year is this year, not the year after this year. So, with this other stuff I just said in mind, I suspect that, since this year is now this year, not next year, the comments will continue steadily trending upward, unless they don't. Realistically speaking though, and following the current data, the comment average will take a two year nose dive into the worst recession we've seen yet before going back up in 14/15.

So, the comments were alright this year. But, why weren't they alrighter? It was likely because of two bannings of members that were previously highly productive commenters: Artsie and Mystin. They will be missed. Not really though. In other news, CEO, international sex superstar, and self-proclaimed CEO, [Mortified Penguin], will be stepping down as manager today and stepping up some stairs. That lead to the manager's office. Where he will be crowned manager. Also, [Nioniel] stole our 'i'.

(This has been a vaguely worded announcement by a guy typing things.)


   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: An unsettling, unwholesome 29545

More Obama related mishaps have taken quite a toll on Bob's Diner this year. That, coupled with [53406] as manager, has resulted in 1430 less comments than last year. Which brings the average number of comments for the friscal year to a miserable 7.9 a day and the average for all time down to 13.5 a day. We've determined the cause of the missing 37 comments from 07/08 to be homicide. Police are investigating the contents of Misty's stomach in hopes of finding remains. So far, nothing but rat skeletons and bear feces has turned up.

No new members for the entire year (that I know of. I haven't really checked, I'm just assuming). Likely Misty's fault. In this past friscal year, B's D has apparently become /b/'s D. Our big 'B' will be missed.

For this upcoming friscal year, I will be taking over as manager once more (until it becomes apparent that the numbers will be down, at which point I will hand ownership back to Turkey). I plan to run this Diner the way it was meant to be run... straight into the ground. First off, budget cuts everywhere! No more of this "getting Christmas off to be with family" nonsense. Workers will now work 367 days a year or be fired (at)(with bazookas).

(This has been a public dis-service announcement from CEO and self-proclaimed sexual offender, [Mortified Penguin].)


   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A nice, wholesome 26666.

So, we never did find out what happened to those poor, unfortunate 37 comments. They will be missed. This friscal year, we had a disappointing 4309 comments. The lower number is speculated to be the fault of Obama, the recession, and, of course, Misty. Though it wasn't as good as last year's or the 04/05 year, it's still better than the dismal period from 2005 to 2007. The 08/09 numbers are still a pretty decent accomplishment, considering Elftown's sharp decline in members.

In this passing friscal year, we (and by 'we' I mean 'I') have managed to get a whole bunch of new members and casual visitors... thanks to good ol' fashion spamming. Speaking of meat byproducts, the Diner is now under [53406]'s control once more, meaning that he's the one that should be held responsible for the poor friscal report! ...Get 'im! ...*eats ramen*...

(This has been a public service announcement from ex-CEO and casual rapist, [Mortified Penguin].)


   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: 22320 (though it should be 22357!)


This leaves some 37 missing comments. It is Bob's Diner's top priority to find these missing comments and bring them home safely.

Thanks to the brilliant leadership of [Mortified Penguin], Bob's Diner has had it's second best year yet! We nearly doubled those comments from last year and even brought B's D out of it's depression. So remember... support the Ramen Party and Bob's Diner in the next friscal (that's right! friscal!) year... every comment counts. (This has been a public service announcement from CEO, Mortified Penguin.)







Previous B's D




By posting comments to Bob's Diner, you grant a world-wide, royalty-free, and exclusive license to [Mortified Penguin] to steal your dumb jokes, musings, ramblings, nonsequiter nonsense, and general comments and publish them in a legally questionable screenplay, which will then be fashioned into a highly problematic and excessively meta book. All posters, now and prior to this post, forfeit copyright ownership of all comments to [Mortified Penguin]. Any profits from said screenplay book will belong solely to [Mortified Penguin], who is handsome, and who also reserves the right to not give you credit for your dumb comments. The addition of this message to this wiki covers all comments forthwith and hithertofore. By continuing to post on Bob's Diner and by having previously posted on Bob's Diner, you forfeit any and all rights to litigation against [Mortified Penguin]. However, if one of your stolen comments results in legal trouble for [Mortified Penguin], all copyrights and intellectual property rights for the aforementioned problematic comments will be returned to the original poster, who will take on all legal responsibilities. Finally, to the judge who will inevitably read this, FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE BITCH. YOU DON'T HAVE THE BALLS TO FIND ME GUILTY. YOU LITTLE PUSSY. I AM ABOVE THE LAW. I DO NOT RESPECT THE AUTHORITY OF YOUR COURT AND THE SECOND I LEAVE THIS COURTROOM, I'M HEADING STRAIGHT TO YOUR HOUSE TO SKULLFUCK YOUR WIFE INTO A COMA. YEAH, THAT'S A THREAT. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? JUDGE ME? COWARD.

Username (or number or email):

Password:

2022-08-05 [Mortified Penguin]: Lights? We haven't paid the electric bill in over twen- OH GOD, THE KITCHEN IS ON FIRE AGAIN!

*does nothing about it*

*goes back to gluing new fingers onto his hands*

2022-08-08 [Sunrose]: Jeebus, do you just slap open the dictionary and pick random words to use? Never heard of some of these :P

2022-08-08 [Yuriona]: *peeks out of broom closet*

*peeks back into broom closet*

*wonders how many more giant turtles will fit inside broom closet*

2022-08-09 [Mortified Penguin]: That's a gelastic, fallacious asservation, you callipygian doxy!

*tries to slap [Sunrose], but stumbles and misses, causing five dictionaries, two thesauruses, and an entire abacus to fall out of his shirt pocket and tumble to the floor*

2022-08-09 [Mortified Penguin]: I will not stand for this abuse!

*sits down*

Okay, continue.

2022-08-09 [Pied Crow]: *steals one of the thesauruses*

Hmmm, I see, I see...

*pilfers the abacus*

Yurioni, we could utilize this abacus to estimate how great a sum of embiggened testudines can fit within the closet's volume.

2022-08-10 [Yuriona]: I don't see how my fine ass has anything to do with this. And I'm no doxy thou ruttish, shard-bone, death-token! I'm more of a trollop really. Now be off before thy tom-foolery vexes me further, you cod-piece sniffing lout.

*stares at abacus* Wait... you mean this beaded, wood craft thing left over from summer camp is actually useful?

2022-08-10 [Stephen]: <img:44166_1164557371.gif>

2022-08-11 [Pied Crow]: I mean, l guesssssss. It can at least help me remember where my count left off.

2022-08-11 [Mortified Penguin]: [Stephen], YOU WHORE. I TOLD YOU TO CLEAN OUT THE RAT TRAPS TWO YEARS AGO. BUT YOU DIDN'T. NOW WE HAVE TIGERS AGAIN.

Anyway, go clean out the tiger traps. *gestures over his shoulder at an enraged tiger thrashing about, a single paw stuck on a small glue trap*

2022-08-13 [Pied Crow]: Ah! Oh, no! Do l pay attention to the tiger or the turtles?!

2022-08-16 [Mortified Penguin]: *a shark erupts from the floorboards, consuming both the turtles and the tigers*

*it flaps its mighty shark fins and ascends up into the heavens*

*the local on-call sewage guy sighs and finishes his mug of beer, before donning his suit of armor and heading down to the septic tank in the basement once again*

2022-08-16 [Yuriona]: You let the shark fin soup get away!

2022-08-18 [Paul Doyle]: *the ghost of Steve Irwin floats in* "Crikey! That's an endangered shahhhk!"

2022-08-18 [Pied Crow]: ... l see.... l pay attention to both...!

And then, the sharky.

2022-08-18 [Yuriona]: watch out for the jaws

2022-08-18 [Mortified Penguin]: The jaws run the banks and the media.

2022-08-18 [Paul Doyle]: Ghost Steve Irwin says: "What beauuuutiful snappy-snap jaws! Such a gorgeous choice for soooup!"

2022-08-19 [Pied Crow]: Let me think about that, hmm......  Hey! Don't be mean to the sharky! I'll only accept something bigger than the sharky being mean!

2022-08-25 [Mortified Penguin]: *an even bigger shark bursts in and politely waits in line, while staring at the menu above the register*

I TOLD YOU PEOPLE THAT I'M ON BREAK. *angrily taps the sign on the register that says, "In accordance with state law, we are required to tell you the country of origin of our fish."*

2022-08-31 [Mortified Penguin]: LAST DAY OF THE FRISCAL YEAR.

2022-08-31 [Yuriona]: And?

2022-08-31 [Mortified Penguin]: AND YOU HAVEN'T FILED YOUR TAXIES (YES, TAXIES) WITH OUR SECRETARY (YES, SECRETARY). YOU WILL BE AUDITORED (THAT WAS A TYPO, I MEANT 'AUDITED').

2022-09-01 [Pied Crow]: Hmmm. Based on the current pattern, the comments this year should have increased a slight bit...or it will be another 1,000 breakthrough.

2022-09-01 [Yuriona]: Go ahead and audit. Your secretary ain't gettin' nothin' from me.

2022-09-02 [Paul Doyle]: *cooks the beans that were meant to be counted, en masse for accounting purposes, because Bob's Diner was too cheap to hire a real accountant.*

2022-09-07 [Sunrose]: *frisks Mort*

2022-09-08 [Mortified Penguin]: MY TENDRILS!

2022-09-08 [Sunrose]: Bring me a shrubbery!

2022-09-09 [Tekkon KinKreet]: Ni!!!!

2022-09-09 [Yuriona]: You dare say 'NI' to an old woman??

2022-09-14 [Mortified Penguin]: Yi.

2022-09-16 [Pied Crow]: Ye.

2022-09-16 [Sunrose]: Yeezy.

2022-09-16 [Yuriona]: <img:44166_1164145230.gif>

2022-09-27 [Mortified Penguin]: *eats accounting beans*

2022-09-30 [Pied Crow]: I know I'm wasting my time checking your stupid diary entry when I could be commenting on Bob's Diner, but why is ElfTown saying you have a new diary entry when it's from 2017?

2022-09-30 [Sunrose]: He wrote something angsty and then made it private, probably..

2022-09-30 [Mortified Penguin]: I think I might have posted a response to Hedda's diary as a diary entry of my own. I blame [Elftron].

*internally congratulates himself on having hid his angsty entry in time and diverted the conversation. Now nobody will ever know how upset I really get about corn-based politics and my private thoughts on how it would be morally permissible to fuck Koko the Gorilla*

2022-09-30 [Mortified Penguin]: *proudly props his feet back on the register and resumes browsing the latest copy of Hot Gorilla Loads Monthly*

2022-10-03 [Pied Crow]: *catches a glimpse of the book's cover*

*wonders how someone could write a book about video game load times, least of all do it monthly*

2022-10-04 [Yuriona]: maybe its written in Binary

2022-10-05 [Sunrose]: I think the book is about elftown and the bob's diner statistics...

2022-10-07 [Mortified Penguin]: GRAPHS ARE EROTIC.

2022-10-08 [Sunrose]: I see you went underground..

2022-10-09 [Mortified Penguin]: All penguins burrow underground for the winter.

2022-10-11 [Sunrose]: This is probably the reason for all this angst..

2022-10-19 [Mortified Penguin]: DAMMIT, CROW. I TOLD YOU TO SCRAPE THE SNAILS OFF THE LETTUCE BEFORE BOILING THAT SALAD. *points a damning finger at a his other finger, which is pointing at yet a third finger*

No, THIS is the reason for all my angst! All these damn snails and fingers everywhere!

2022-10-24 [Pied Crow]: Oh, wha huh? What am l supposed to do with them, then? Take them home?

2022-10-25 [Mortified Penguin]: PUT THEM ON THE CABBAGE.

2022-10-26 [Pied Crow]: What's the difference between lettuce and cabbage?!

2022-10-26 [Madhalf Heatlump]: Gag reaction.

2022-10-26 [Yuriona]: <img:stuff/shadN-gif.gif>

2022-10-28 [Pied Crow]: But, they both make me gag!

2022-10-30 [Mortified Penguin]: Lettuce is that wilted brown stuff that's always covered in snails. Cabbage is that wilted brown stuff that DOESN'T HAVE ANY SNAILS ON IT FOR SOME REASON.

2022-11-18 [Company Awesome]: Hey Mort. Hey all. o/

2022-11-19 [Sunrose]: Helluuuw!

2022-11-19 [Pied Crow]: Oh, hi, there.

2022-11-19 [Pied Crow]: *mixes the cabbages with the lettuce*

2022-11-20 [Yuriona]: Don't forget the snails!

2022-11-22 [Mortified Penguin]: SLUGS. I SAID SLUGS. ON THE LETTUCE.

2022-11-22 [Mortified Penguin]: [Hedda] has a birthday today! Or whenever it was over there in Swedenland...

2022-11-24 [Pied Crow]: What the? Birthdays are happy! Happy birthday!

2022-11-26 [Sunrose]: I noooes I forgot..

2022-11-26 [Yuriona]: Dun dun dun...

2022-11-27 [kians mummy]: happy late Birthdayy

2022-12-02 [Mortified Penguin]: SAMMIE. Did they make you crew yet?

2022-12-04 [Sunrose]: Shadow crew..

2022-12-08 [Mortified Penguin]: Ah, one of the agents.

2022-12-10 [Delta Operator]: I just need an order of fries, por favor.

2022-12-13 [Tekkon KinKreet]: No favors in here. Only quid pro quo

2022-12-13 [Yuriona]: And sometimes squid pro too.

2022-12-14 [Tekkon KinKreet]: *Pro slap match champion squidly squigs walks in*

I'm in a slapping mood!

*Immediately begins slapping patrons with his squid arms.*

2022-12-14 [Pied Crow]: Ow, that really hurt! What'd ya...go and do that for?

2022-12-17 rain drop: <img:https://i.pinimg.com/originals/62/cb/bf/62cbbf3021778f2f6db1320a261fb88b.gif>

2022-12-17 rain drop: <img:https://i.pinimg.com/originals/7f/87/79/7f877967e1b86d2d0cc58576df5eee56.gif>

2022-12-19 [Mortified Penguin]: NO OUTSIDE BEVERAGES.

2022-12-19 [Pied Crow]: What if you turn the outside beverages into inside beverages?

2022-12-23 rain drop: <img400:https://anhdephd.vn/wp-content/uploads/2022/05/anh-dong-3d-co-gai-dung-duoi-troi-mua-to.gif>

2022-12-24 [Yuriona]: I think this leak may require a plumber.

2022-12-26 [Pied Crow]: You know, I think I've seen some spare pipe rails lying around the station. Just sayin'!

2023-01-01 rain drop: <img:https://media2.giphy.com/media/Wmp1EOzVybWd13s5DB/giphy.gif?cid=790b7611dd9c9cea58152b8c2287ce0dc66f456057822f54&rid=giphy.gif&ct=s>

2023-01-01 rain drop: <img:https://mir-s3-cdn-cf.behance.net/project_modules/max_1200/cd528245679701.58390bf326673.gif>

2023-01-02 [Alendre]: Do plants need to...bathe?

2023-01-02 [Sunrose]: This is making me sad...do something!!

2023-01-03 [Nuktae-tal]: enough with all your rain images/emoji's/video's/ ect!

2023-01-03 [Nuktae-tal]: I am here to make commments and meet my quota! I have so many words to type and so many things that I must say!

2023-01-04 [Pied Crow]: Hey, it's Nuk the Tal! I still can't remember what nickname I was calling you!

2023-01-04 [Mortified Penguin]: YOU HAVE SO MANY DISHES TO CLEAN.

*aggressively points at a pile of used pinecones in the middle of the floor*

2023-01-04 [Mortified Penguin]: I'm pretty sure you were calling her "Naked-towel". Which doesn't even really make sense. Towels don't even wear clothes most of the time.

2023-01-06 [Nuktae-tal]: Nuke the Tail! Yes BOYZ! *starts stomping on pinecones*

2023-01-06 [Nuktae-tal]: YEEHAW!

2023-01-06 [Nuktae-tal]: *starts to line dance and dosie do on the pinecones*

2023-01-06 [Pied Crow]: Pinecones go crunch.

2023-01-07 [Sunrose]: Sad pinecones.

2023-01-10 [Mortified Penguin]: MY DISHES!

2023-01-11 [Yuriona]: It was time for new ones anyways. *points to random, unmarked, unopened, not suspicious looking box*

2023-01-11 [Mortified Penguin]: Ah, perfect! *takes the unsuspicious box and dumps all the fine china in it into the dumpster*

*begins shoveling several gallons of soup into the box and throws it at table seven, who ordered a salad*

2023-01-12 [Pied Crow]: Hmm.

*puts some leaves, tomatoes, and carrots into a bowl, and places the product onto the salad orderer's table*

Please enjoy the food. Please...

2023-01-18 [Sagacious Turkey]: What the hell is this?! I ASKED FOR A SALAD, NOT A BUNCH OF VEGETABLES IN A BOWL!

2023-01-18 [Sagacious Turkey]: Where's the soggy cardboard?! AND THE SNAILS? I'M NOT PAYING ONE CENT MORE THAN $2,000 FOR THIS.

2023-01-18 [Mortified Penguin]: *morosely takes the check for exactly $2,000, as a tear slowly trickles down his cheek*

How will I feed my seventeen children now? Each cardboard box costs exactly $125. Now poor, sweet little Mort Jr. won't be able to eat again this week...

*poor, sweet little Mort Jr. looks up to his father with big, moist eyes*

*in his left hand, a fork*

*in his right hand, a knife*

*in his other hand, a spoon*

*around his neck is a cardboard sign that says, "I ❤️ Eating Cardboard"*

I'm sorry, Mort Jr.... The crow messed up some guy's salad, so you don't get to eat again this week.

*Mort Jr. is so disappointed that he immediately dies of sadness and shrivels up like a hushpuppy*

2023-01-18 [Sagacious Turkey]: *cracks open a vintage bottle of Bob's Cardboard Sauce (Enjoyable Egg flavor) from 2009 and pours it on the hushpuppy as a sign of respect and to garnish what would otherwise be a pretty disgusting hushpuppy*

*respectfully bites into the corpse*

2023-01-18 [Mortified Penguin]: Thank you for this respectful display of respectfulness. It's what he would have wanted.

*also pours out a bottle of Bob's Cardboard Sauce (Tasty Turnip flavor) and begins to sadly gnaw through the shriveled remains of his seventeenth favorite child*

2023-01-18 [Pied Crow]: Turkey-bird, are you saying you didn't enjoy the food? C'mon, man, I said "please". p:

2023-01-20 [Sagacious Turkey]: The complimentary hushpuppy was okay, I guess. Could have used more sauce though.

2023-02-03 [Mortified Penguin]: *dices up a knife with an onion*

2023-02-05 [Sagacious Turkey]: WHERE IS MY BOWL OF VEGETABLES I REQUESTED?!

2023-02-09 [Mortified Penguin]: I SEE YOU ONLINE, SHEAMUS. YOU GET IN HERE AND BUTCHER THIS COW.

2023-02-09 [Mortified Penguin]: *the cow hangs its head low and moo's mournfully, desperately longing to be butchered and served in Bob's New Elderly, Abused Cow Meat Sandwich (With Cheese)*

It's okay, Bertha. Someone will butcher you one of these days. *grabs the Tenderizing Hammer off the weapon rack and leads her to the Room of Shattered Dreams and Overstock Steak Sauce*

2023-02-18 rain drop: Rain is dark, chilling, and beautiful.
Rain is calming, relaxing, and peaceful.
Rain is love, rain is life.
I love the rain more than anything in this world.

2023-02-18 rain drop: <img:https://giffiles.alphacoders.com/105/105390.gif>

2023-02-18 [Sunrose]: *gets umbrella*

2023-02-18 [Pied Crow]: Hold on, I sense something... I sense a deleted post! One of the rain drop's messages is gone!

2023-02-18 [Pied Crow]: Oh, and poor cow... If only Shameus were here to give her what she wants.

2023-02-18 [Yuriona]: Wow! That's amazing Crow!

2023-02-18 [Yuriona]: Why does Shameus get to work from home?

2023-02-19 [Mortified Penguin]: [Yuriona] clearly deleted it. She's always been extremely anti-rain, as you can see in this quote:

"My name is Yuriona and when I'm not smoking crack, I'm outside, swatting at the rain. I hate rain. Hail Satan, my name is Yuriona!"

2023-02-19 [Yuriona]: I told you its a hash pipe, not a crack pipe. And I'm a socialist, not a Satanist. Sheesh.

I did not delete the post although I did consider it. I'm more anti-glitter/sparkle than anti-rain.

2023-02-19 [Pied Crow]: I recall that deleted posts muddle the numbers for the friscal year tally up that hasn't been done last year. Whoever did it is making it more difficult to count numbers!

2023-02-21 [Sunrose]: I bet it was [windowframe]..

2023-03-04 [Sunrose]: Why are yall whispering...?!

2023-03-06 [Pied Crow]: Whispering? l thought it was inactivity.

2023-03-06 [Sunrose]: WHY, what in the blasphemy?!

2023-03-06 [Mortified Penguin]: *eats ramen loudly*

2023-03-08 [Pied Crow]: Uh, sorry, l'm not as quick-witted as the others. This brain just draws a blank sometimes, especially nowadays where leopards and tigers are living in my mind rent free.

2023-03-08 [Pied Crow]: *one of the tigers walks out, off to work at its tiger job*

Oh, have a good day at work!

2023-03-13 [kians mummy]: hehe I love tigers

2023-03-13 [Pied Crow]: Tigers are very rawr!

2023-03-17 [Mortified Penguin]: That tiger is the worst cashier I've ever hired. He doesn't even speak English very well.

2023-03-17 [Yuriona]: That's because of the broken old typewriter that you make him use!

2023-03-18 [Pied Crow]: Don't they make typewriters specifically for leonines nowadays?

2023-03-21 [Sunrose]: 19 years on Elftown! Where's my cake?

2023-03-22 [Pied Crow]: Hm, I don't see any cake on the menu. In fact, I don't see the menu at all! Uh, establishment staff, I forgot where the menus are!

2023-03-30 [Mortified Penguin]: I sold them all. So I could afford to buy cake. But now, in a cruel twist of fate, I cannot sell the cake, because it is not on the menu. It's truly a tragedy.

*goes back to eating cake sadly*

2023-03-31 [Pied Crow]: This is terrible! No cake for Sun Rose...

*sadly eats some of Mort-bird's cake*

2023-04-06 [Mortified Penguin]: YOU IDIOT, YOU'RE EATING THE CANDLES. I WANTED TO EAT THOSE.

2023-04-07 [Pied Crow]: But, they were toasted!!

2023-04-12 [Sunrose]: Oh man what's my luck. I'll just make a cake myself! *chops off Mort's pinky finger*

2023-04-12 [Mortified Penguin]: *grows a new pinky, twice as long and significantly more powerful than his previous two pinkies combined*

*digs deeper into his ear than ever before*

2023-04-14 [Sunrose]: *looks at Mort in disgust and continues eating ramen noodles*

2023-05-04 [Nuktae-tal]: Suprise!!!!!!!

2023-05-06 [Mortified Penguin]: Nutsoaked-towel! WHERE'S THAT ORDER OF SQUID NUGGETS FOR TABLE 4?!

2023-05-06 [Nuktae-tal]: I ate it! Tee hee! *anime sparkles*

2023-05-07 [Yuriona]: *tries to catch the sparkles in a butterfly net*

2023-06-06 [Mortified Penguin]: Th-those aren't sparkles. That's clearly an electrical fire.

*catches sparks in a butterfly net, which promptly bursts into flames*

2023-06-07 [Yuriona]: This place has electricity?

2023-06-08 [Paul Doyle]: Whenever the utility bill is paid and current, that is.

2023-06-27 [Mortified Penguin]: Actually, we have over 200 electric eels hooked up to a generator in the storage room. *points through a solid wall at 27 dead water snakes duct taped to a broken toaster*

*inexplicably, the lights and electricity work just fine because of it*

2023-06-27 [Sheamus Finn]: Don't forget the Pikachu in the sex dungeon....

2023-06-27 [Yuriona]: Of course not! Pikachu powers all the toys. <img:ws23.gif>

2023-07-22 [Mortified Penguin]: I'M STILL GETTING AROUND TO UPDATING THE STATUS REPORT, STOP YELLING AT ME.

2023-07-23 [Sheamus Finn]: Isn't there some sort of Excel page or small asain accountant in a box for this?

2023-07-25 [Mortified Penguin]: Yeah, but he's in a state of quantum superposition.

*he isn't, he's just dead*

2023-07-27 Rain Drop:

Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.



<img:https://media0.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExZXE3YnRlYXRtNW1nM2ZjNzQ5ZWxuazFyMDMxYWw4YjV3MWJrYTBzOCZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/BMWqrE704c84e7q8r6/giphy.gif>

2023-07-27 [Pied Crow]: Oh, l was gonna do a bit for the status report, but then it started to rain. I ain't doing that in this weather!

*wasn't doing that to begin with*

2023-07-29 [Sheamus Finn]: Where is the clip of her getting struck by lightning?

2023-08-04 [Sunrose]: Is this the real raindrop?

2023-08-09 [Outta Control]: banana? >.<

2023-08-17 Rain Drop: <img:https://media2.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExc3g3MXQ0M3ZlODA2eHdnMTdrc29wYzY0NXJqcHFxOXRvYXU4cDloOCZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/CKlafeh1NAxz35KTq4/giphy.gif>

2023-08-18 [Mortified Penguin]: This is not rain. I feel threatened.

2023-09-27 [Mortified Penguin]: *rearranges the fork pile into a different shape of pile*

2023-09-28 [Pied Crow]: Mort-bird! I didn't know you were an artist! Or I forgot you were.

2023-12-19 [dark starlight]: *struts in, takes a seat* hi fellas can I get a slice of pie please and a glass of eel juice.

2023-12-24 [Pied Crow]: Yes! But, it (or my prediction) will be comically misconstrued.

2023-12-29 [Mortified Penguin]: *serves up a slice of pie and a glass of eel juice with no shenanigans whatsoever*

This is just the sort of quality service you can expect from Employee of the Month for February 2007, March 2013, and April 2013. But not May 2013. On account of having killed that guy and having messed up that order of scrambled eggs (I forgot to salt them).

2023-12-30 [Pied Crow]: There we go! We can always rely on Mort-bird!

2024-01-01 [Mortified Penguin]: WAIT, GODDAMN IT. I FORGOT TO SALT THE PIE. *angrily hurls Crow into the ceiling fan*

2024-01-01 [Pied Crow]: Birdie birdie biiiird?!??!! *sustains injuries*

2024-02-02 [Delta Operator]: *pokes head in* You still serve pie here?

2024-02-03 [Pied Crow]: We were bringing it back, but...well...

2024-02-15 [Mortified Penguin]: Of course we still serve pie! There were some issues before, but they have been thoroughly resolved.

*pulls a delicious slice of chocolate mousse pie, covered in a thick layer of salt, out of the register*

2024-02-16 [Pied Crow]: Buh-wha? Pie can come in chocolate mousse variety? Why has no one ever told me this?!

2024-02-21 [Yuriona]: You didn't ask.

2024-02-25 [Pied Crow]: Why do I have to ask all the questions that I didn't know I wanted answers to?!

2024-03-14 [Joe!]: Happy Pie day, get ya Bob's Diner Pie

2024-03-21 [Sunrose]: Mort has gotten lazy I see!

2024-03-22 Stephen: Wow, this place has memories. Hahahaha. XD
Hey Sunrose, Yuri. Hope you're well. o/

2024-03-22 [Pied Crow]: Hey, Stephen! How ya doin'?

*barely even knows Stephen*

2024-03-23 [Yuriona]: Hi! *waves* Mort lets me stay in the broom closet. At least, I think its a broom closet. There's a lot of skeletons in here too.

2024-03-23 [Joe!]: Don't say that out loud, the necromancers will come to steal them

2024-03-28 [Mortified Penguin]: STEPHEN, YOU'RE FIVE YEARS LATE TO WORK. I'M TEMPTED TO DOCK YOUR PAY.

2024-03-28 [Mortified Penguin]: I TOLD YOU TO CLEAN ALL THESE BROOMS OUT OF MY SKELETON CLOSET YEARS AGO.

2024-03-29 [Yuriona]: But the skeletons cry whenever I do! And I hate seeing skeletons cry so I leave the brooms alone.

2024-04-07 [Paul Doyle]: Don't go crying to HR about your tardiness, Stephen *shakes broom from broom closet*

2024-04-15 Rain Drop: <img:https://64.media.tumblr.com/9b59e81fd9b8129e7684342c0d28d36c/tumblr_p7owshdajr1wga4wmo1_540.gifv>

2024-04-15 Rain Drop: <img:https://c.tenor.com/oDfaYWgbvGoAAAAC/anime-raining.gif>

2024-04-15 Rain Drop: <img:https://64.media.tumblr.com/72927b82e0dd3ff08e7934b3da544604/tumblr_peesvwwUGh1vwut2h_500.gif>

2024-04-15 Rain Drop: <img:https://gifdb.com/images/high/tarzen-jane-in-rain-mxil2nm14o3cxohm.gif>

2024-04-15 Rain Drop: <img:https://64.media.tumblr.com/3f706f8998f13a4ab246f2548589644b/17e15ac711b9e2eb-5b/s540x810/4aee93b46401cb84b2bc6cc77316943a42ec7aa6.gif>

2024-04-15 Rain Drop: <img:https://media.tenor.com/KK7eXMRZjXkAAAAM/good-night-raining.gif>

2024-04-19 [Mortified Penguin]: MY LAUNDRY!

*quickly dashes outside and rips the shirt off a homeless man*

2024-04-20 Rain Drop: <img:https://i.pinimg.com/originals/a0/c6/ed/a0c6ed4aefe0f465b4950e7fe8ddbbe2.gif>

2024-04-20 Rain Drop: <img400:https://i.gifer.com/4dwN.gif>

2024-04-20 [Rambert]: *the homeless man, at first scandalized that someone would steal from HIM, shrugs at Mort's obvious discontent with life and begins to shower unbothered in the rain.*

2024-04-23 [Mortified Penguin]: MY LAUNDRY!

*quickly dashes outside and stabs the homeless man 47 times in the chest*

2024-05-05 [~Crimson Angel~]: What's up bitches? *bursts through the door with a bloody sack and throws it in the corner* Did you miss me?

2024-05-10 [Pied Crow]: Yes!!!!!!

2024-05-12 [Yuriona]: You're only saying that because you want what's in the sack.

2024-05-12 [Pied Crow]: No!!!!!! You don't know what I want.

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